Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
Randomize
