...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
Soo both my 8 year old sister and fuck buddy are named Sarah..
this can't be going anywhere good
nooope. guess which one i texted last nite to come over so i could "punish her pussy"? =\
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
Randomize
