I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
