Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
i have to get rid of the hedgehog.
Does it come with a cage?
yes. and food and toys.
i'll trade you an 8th for it
deal.
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Randomize
