Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
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