dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
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