You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
Randomize
