yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
Randomize
