We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
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i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
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Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
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