i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
Randomize
