Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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