fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
Randomize
