i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
Don't tell me you're on acid again
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
Randomize
