i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
Randomize
