You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
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