I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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