he just referred to himself as the billy mays of his frat.. heres how to order
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
Randomize
