I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
