You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
And then you guys went on to show us ur sex positions from the before. Thanks
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
Randomize
