Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
elementary school lunch room party. everyone brings their own lunch and can trade stuff. all juice is booze.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
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