I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
why is half of my head shaved?
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
Randomize
