So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
Randomize
