Four minutes until I can fart!
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
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