i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
She used the word "fragged" in proper context. tell me that's not bust-nut hot.
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
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