my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
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