Without porn, I would have few hobbies.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
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