The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
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