Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
They sext over her pic comments. Role playing as wolves.
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
