im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
he wants to bone in the snuggie
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize
