Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
I wonder if he just picks random boners to send or just the realy impressive ones
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
Randomize
