Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
Randomize
