Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
