dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
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