I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
whatever, you made your decision to be a responsible student and where did it get you? a pushed back exam and no blowjob.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
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