I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
Please don't give away my fajitas
Randomize
