Let's get naked and see who's stronger.
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
No vaginas are yucky and I don't think you're old enough to handle one yet
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
Randomize
