I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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