Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
The adults are the big ones right?
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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