I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
I saw his package. It spoke to me.
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
Randomize
