I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
and?
RIP clitoris
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
Randomize
