Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
I just added her as a friend on Facebook. I met her 5 minutes ago and there are already more than 50 pics of me uploaded... from other nights.
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
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