Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Randomize
