My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
btw, whatever u do, dont try and take that towel away from her..i tried, it got ugly..she said some things im sure she regrets.
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
We smell like vodka and hangover
Randomize
