Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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