your parents love me but you hate me
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
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