I'm at the bar with Ashley what should I do?
humiliate her
I just ate 10 fun sized 3 musakteers.. I'm pretty sure I'm about to start my period.
Talk to you next week
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
