Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Randomize
