Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
As shirtless as possible
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
Randomize
