for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Randomize
