Can i not drive my cunt home
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
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