you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
Randomize
