dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
I wish I only lived at night.
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
Randomize
