Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
a 6'8" white kid in a Lin jersey just wandered out of my gay kid brother's room. when does spring break end, again?
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
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