He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
I want to be your penis for a week.
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
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