WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
