you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Randomize
