call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
Your message has been received by an unknown user. Picture verification required.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
So, my first week in Saskatchewan ended with me drinking moonshine and getting eaten out in a tractor. I already love it here!
Randomize
