just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
Randomize
