I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
just as he was about to cum he started shouting "I THINK I CAN! I THINK I CAN!" over and over again.
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
