Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
And yes, in case u were wondering a 25 year old high school agriculture teacher did just hit on me At Walmart bc of my pinata
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
Randomize
