things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
We need to tone down the drinking before our 7pm class. I don't remember receiving any of these handouts.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
Randomize
