I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
