It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
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