nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
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As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
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